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Porkypines: Difference between revisions
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The Porkypine, not to be confused with Porcupines, is a dangerous, procrastination-inducing creature, out to destroy human society completely and utterly. | The Porkypine, not to be confused with Porcupines, is a dangerous, procrastination-inducing creature, out to destroy human society completely and utterly. | ||
= Porkypines = | |||
The Porkypine, according to the noted scientist A. Maust, sometimes known as the father of the Science of Legends, was a largish, evil creature with over 3,000,007 poisoned spines, laser vision, and acid spit. One can hardly think of a more terrifying adversary, but it gets worse. In addition to being the root cause of Obama’s election (and re-election), they are responsible for something far worse- Procrastination. The spines on the Porkypine can be shot, and when they hit a victim, he or she procrastinates. Neither does the victim know what is going on, unless you happen to be reading this when you should be doing school. If so, scan the room around you, although chances are you won’t see it. | The Porkypine, according to the noted scientist [[Andrew Maust|A. Maust]],<ref name=":0">[[Andrew Maust, Conqueror of Porkypines]]</ref> sometimes known as the father of the Science of Legends, was a largish, evil creature with over 3,000,007 poisoned spines, laser vision, and acid spit. One can hardly think of a more terrifying adversary, but it gets worse. In addition to being the root cause of Obama’s election (and re-election), they are responsible for something far worse- Procrastination. The spines on the Porkypine can be shot, and when they hit a victim, he or she procrastinates. Neither does the victim know what is going on, unless you happen to be reading this when you should be doing school. If so, scan the room around you, although chances are you won’t see it. | ||
[[File:Porkypine.gif|alt=illustration of a porkypine|none|thumb|''illustration of a porkypine'']] | |||
=== Anatomy of a Porkypine === | === Anatomy of a Porkypine === | ||
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[[File:Fig.1.png|alt=diagram of a porkypine spine (fig. 1)|none|thumb|692x692px|''fig.1'']] | [[File:Fig.1.png|alt=diagram of a porkypine spine (fig. 1)|none|thumb|692x692px|''fig.1'']] | ||
The head of the Porkypine is another fascinating part of the creature. In the year 2015, a team of dedicated scientist caught a live Porkypine and were able to study it in captivity. Through careful research, many stunning discoveries were made.<ref name=":0" /> | |||
The head of the Porkypine is another fascinating part of the creature. In the year 2015, a team of dedicated scientist caught a live Porkypine and were able to study it in captivity. Through careful research, many stunning discoveries were made. | |||
One of the first things studied were the eyes. Though careful, dangerous, and often painful research, a stunning conclusion was made. In Andrew Maust’s original work, it was claimed that the Porkypines had laser eyes. This is, in fact, not true. Based on Tests and observations of a close-up captive Porkypine, we now know that a Porkypine does NOT have laser vision, But Plasma Vision. Although inherently more terrifying for the common crowd, Plasma vision is a possibility with the Porkypine, whereas Laser vision, given the Porkypine’s biological qualities, is not. | One of the first things studied were the eyes. Though careful, dangerous, and often painful research, a stunning conclusion was made. In Andrew Maust’s original work, it was claimed that the Porkypines had laser eyes. This is, in fact, not true. Based on Tests and observations of a close-up captive Porkypine, we now know that a Porkypine does NOT have laser vision, But Plasma Vision. Although inherently more terrifying for the common crowd, Plasma vision is a possibility with the Porkypine, whereas Laser vision, given the Porkypine’s biological qualities, is not. | ||
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However, the most important and interesting part of the research was with its brain. Not the functions of it, but the motives for it. What makes the Porkypine evil? Unfortunately, this, too, was impossible to find out. Some suggest that they are controlled by Zer0, while others claim that they only use their spikes in defense. Neither is likely to be true. What possible reason could Zer0 have for Brittney Spear’s success, and what type of defense would be terrifying enough to send Waldo into hiding? No, the Porkypine’s motives lay with the Porkypine, but science can never uncover the truth of this mystery. | |||
However, the most important and interesting part of the research was with its brain. Not the functions of it, but the motives for it. What makes the Porkypine evil? Unfortunately, this, too, was impossible to find out. Some suggest that they are controlled by [[Zer0]], while others claim that they only use their spikes in defense. Neither is likely to be true. What possible reason could Zer0 have for Brittney Spear’s success, and what type of defense would be terrifying enough to send Waldo into hiding? No, the Porkypine’s motives lay with the Porkypine, but science can never uncover the truth of this mystery. | |||
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Long ago, before even the Internet was around, before Google talked for you, before cell phones even existed, and even before the computer was invented, a terrible predator lurked in the deepest parts of the forest Behindinschoolwork<ref>Don't ever say [Beh in din shoo lu wuk] any differently, or else you must “Wash thy mouth with soap, spin clockwise 7 times, counterclockwise once, and spit thrice on the ground before the wrath of the forest destroys you!!” -Tim Jones</ref> | Long ago, before even the Internet was around, before Google talked for you, before cell phones even existed, and even before the computer was invented, a terrible predator lurked in the deepest parts of the forest Behindinschoolwork [pronounced Beh-een-din-shoo-lu-wuk].<ref>Don't ever say [Beh in din shoo lu wuk] any differently, or else you must “Wash thy mouth with soap, spin clockwise 7 times, counterclockwise once, and spit thrice on the ground before the wrath of the forest destroys you!!” -Tim Jones</ref> Several witnesses claimed seeing ominous spiky shapes lurking outside the light of their campfires, never staying put long enough to make out what they were. All the witnesses bore a common mark: over-stretched mouths and hoarse voices. One extreme case was frozen in a look of horror: | ||
[[File:Frozen in terror.png|alt=person frozen in terror from a porkypine|none|thumb]] | [[File:Frozen in terror.png|alt=person frozen in terror from a porkypine|none|thumb]] | ||
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However, Mr. Maust did not stop at studying porkypines. Moreover, he learnt the foe of porkypines! The mighty jungle race of the kinkajou (yes, they DO exist; look them up on Wikipedia) is ready for action! Kinkajous are much like lemurs, except they have training camps in the jungle for their young. They learn ninja technique, study anti-procrastination methods, and jump really high. These highly developed techniques are what ensured that only four ghosts exist in PacMan. Kinkajous ensured that Bill Clinton did not get elected for a third term. They are the reason Davy Jones only goes ashore every ten years. They are also the reason that the Joker was not in Batman 3. Each graduate of Porkypine Destroyer Academy (PDA) is given his or her own katana, sized flawlessly to suit the young alumni. Then the kinkajous are organized in groups and sent out across the world, ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. All they need is a call to action from a creature in need. “They eat porkypines for breakfast. Do you feel safe? Good. u_u” -Andrew Maust | |||
However, Mr. Maust did not stop at studying porkypines. Moreover, he learnt the foe of porkypines! The mighty jungle race of the [[Kinkajous|kinkajou]] (yes, they DO exist; look them up on Wikipedia) is ready for action! Kinkajous are much like lemurs, except they have training camps in the jungle for their young. They learn ninja technique, study anti-procrastination methods, and jump really high. These highly developed techniques are what ensured that only four ghosts exist in PacMan. Kinkajous ensured that Bill Clinton did not get elected for a third term. They are the reason Davy Jones only goes ashore every ten years. They are also the reason that the Joker was not in Batman 3. Each graduate of Porkypine Destroyer Academy (PDA) is given his or her own katana, sized flawlessly to suit the young alumni. Then the kinkajous are organized in groups and sent out across the world, ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. All they need is a call to action from a creature in need. “They eat porkypines for breakfast. Do you feel safe? Good. u_u” -Andrew Maust | |||
Yes, readers, this account is ''coughmostlycough'' true. Porkypines are unquestionably the enemy of punctuality, unpredictability, and healthy NSA activity. 'Tis a sad day when they sneak into our blessed halls and wreak silence. But now you know how to counteract them; I charge you to do so with all your awesome random power! | Yes, readers, this account is ''coughmostlycough'' true. Porkypines are unquestionably the enemy of punctuality, unpredictability, and healthy NSA activity. 'Tis a sad day when they sneak into our blessed halls and wreak silence. But now you know how to counteract them; I charge you to do so with all your awesome random power! | ||
== See also == | |||
* [[Baconypines]] | |||
[[Category:Characters, Creatures, and Relics]] | [[Category:Characters, Creatures, and Relics]] | ||