Editing Porkypines (section)

=== History of Porkypines ===


Long ago, before even the Internet was around, before Google talked for you, before cell phones even existed, and even before the computer was invented, a terrible predator lurked in the deepest parts of the forest Behindinschoolwork [pronounced Beh-een-din-shoo-lu-wuk].<ref>Don't ever say [Beh in din shoo lu wuk] any differently, or else you must “Wash thy mouth with soap, spin clockwise 7 times, counterclockwise once, and spit thrice on the ground before the wrath of the forest destroys you!!” -Tim Jones</ref> Several witnesses claimed seeing ominous spiky shapes lurking outside the light of their campfires, never staying put long enough to make out what they were. All the witnesses bore a common mark: over-stretched mouths and hoarse voices. One extreme case was frozen in a look of horror:

[[File:Frozen in terror.png|alt=person frozen in terror from a porkypine|none|thumb]]


True story.


The poor folks behaved skittishly afterwards, causing public unrest. Soon, the authorities got wind of the information and set out to have a look. Wildlife experts were to go camping in the Dark Woods (Behindinschoolwork), some setting campfires and others not. Some were in charge of children, others alone; some brought s'mores materials, some only brought hot dogs; some brought schoolwork and did it, some brought schoolwork and didn't do it, and some left their books at home. Out of all these, those with the most sightings were equipped as follows: schoolbooks untouched, marshmallows roasted over fires, and 6th grade to 12th grade students.


Scientists were highly intrigued about the reasons for these sightings. Why would untouched schoolbooks and roasted marshmallows attract a spiky beast? What beast would be attracted to these things?


This question was not answered for ages. Scientists gave up, and the only remaining mention of these creatures was told in campfire stories. Until around 2009, no more sightings were reported. But then…


A 4-years-running online school called NorthStar Academy was thriving happily. Students posted in Cafés about pointless things, randomness was at large, and credits were being fulfilled. However, schoolwork went slowly for many students. The scientific explanation was called “procrastination,” but one clever student knew better. Andrew Maust, you may have heard his name mentioned somewhere, was the first to claim witness of the fabulous spiky marauders. He called them “Porkypines.” ''collective gasp from audience'' Yes, I know. You all are terrified at the mention of these terrible beasts. But Andrew was fearless of their effects on him. He sought to discover more about porkypines and their habits.


After long hours of research, he discovered that porkypines have 3,000,000,007+ poky parts, laser vision, and acid spit. Yeah, they're THAT terrible. They scared Waldo into hiding. They secretly ensured Brittany Spears's success. They killed Bruce Lee. They, not Chuck Norris, are what monsters check their closets for each night. Porkypines came up with homework, as well as geometry proofs. He discovered that they were the reason for the poor man whose face was frozen in a scream.


Now, this was, of course, first-level research and documentation. As of recently, discoveries have been made that claim that porkypines are actually procrastination monsters! (Yes, that sounds highly fantastical, but it is true. Every time you procrastinate, it's because a porkypine has infiltrated your home and shot you with a poisonous spine.) Research proves that porkypines are terrifying, not because they have acid spit and laser vision, but because they are so silently deadly. They sneak through the cyberworld in broad daylight, faster than light and quieter than darkness. Their spiky parts are coated with a thin membrane of poisonous liquid. This poison, of course, is not deadly to humans; it is, however, deadly to deadlines and due-dates.


Yes, dear readers, it is surely sooth. We have, indeed, unearthed the spring of procrastination! You may think, “So procrastination is actually porkypine sting. How will that help me with keeping on track with my schoolwork?” Well, long story short, it really doesn't. I've actually just given you another way to procrastinate. Those porkypines are very clever.



However, Mr. Maust did not stop at studying porkypines. Moreover, he learnt the foe of porkypines! The mighty jungle race of the [[Kinkajous|kinkajou]] (yes, they DO exist; look them up on Wikipedia) is ready for action! Kinkajous are much like lemurs, except they have training camps in the jungle for their young. They learn ninja technique, study anti-procrastination methods, and jump really high. These highly developed techniques are what ensured that only four ghosts exist in PacMan. Kinkajous ensured that Bill Clinton did not get elected for a third term. They are the reason Davy Jones only goes ashore every ten years. They are also the reason that the Joker was not in Batman 3. Each graduate of Porkypine Destroyer Academy (PDA) is given his or her own katana, sized flawlessly to suit the young alumni. Then the kinkajous are organized in groups and sent out across the world, ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. All they need is a call to action from a creature in need. “They eat porkypines for breakfast. Do you feel safe? Good. u_u” -Andrew Maust


Yes, readers, this account is ''coughmostlycough'' true. Porkypines are unquestionably the enemy of punctuality, unpredictability, and healthy NSA activity. 'Tis a sad day when they sneak into our blessed halls and wreak silence. But now you know how to counteract them; I charge you to do so with all your awesome random power!